Keep on Growing
One thing you will learn in your life is that your mother is an anxious woman. I try really hard not to be, and I pray it doesn't rub off on you, but it is a struggle for me not to worry about everything.
On Tuesday this week I went to the doctor for the first time to get a blood test to confirm that you were real. When everything came back good and they said my levels were great I almost started to cry.
There is a reason that I am so anxious, and I was debating if I should put it this early in the blog, but since you will not be reading it until you are grown I think it is safe. Two years ago I was pregnant with your brother or sister. Unfortunately, I lost them at ten weeks. Miscarriage is such an ugly word and it has such a stigma around it that it is difficult to even type out. When I lost them I was devastated. Your father was too, but I think it was different for me than it was for him. To me they were already real. I blamed myself and my thyroid for the situation. At the moment I am typing this I am still convinced that my hypothyroidism is what caused it. Since then I have learned a lot more about the issue and pregnancy, started seeing an endocrinologist, and started taking new medication. I am determined that will never happen again.
So, if I seem crazy or scarred or anxious just know it is because you are so very loved and I want to do everything in my power to protect you.
On Monday your father and I get to see you for the first time. At this point you are only as big as a chocolate chip so I know there will not be much to see, but I am still so excited. I pray we see your heartbeat, God knows it is those little things that help keep my anxiety at bay.
On Tuesday this week I went to the doctor for the first time to get a blood test to confirm that you were real. When everything came back good and they said my levels were great I almost started to cry.
There is a reason that I am so anxious, and I was debating if I should put it this early in the blog, but since you will not be reading it until you are grown I think it is safe. Two years ago I was pregnant with your brother or sister. Unfortunately, I lost them at ten weeks. Miscarriage is such an ugly word and it has such a stigma around it that it is difficult to even type out. When I lost them I was devastated. Your father was too, but I think it was different for me than it was for him. To me they were already real. I blamed myself and my thyroid for the situation. At the moment I am typing this I am still convinced that my hypothyroidism is what caused it. Since then I have learned a lot more about the issue and pregnancy, started seeing an endocrinologist, and started taking new medication. I am determined that will never happen again.
So, if I seem crazy or scarred or anxious just know it is because you are so very loved and I want to do everything in my power to protect you.
On Monday your father and I get to see you for the first time. At this point you are only as big as a chocolate chip so I know there will not be much to see, but I am still so excited. I pray we see your heartbeat, God knows it is those little things that help keep my anxiety at bay.
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